Not every romantic endeavor has to be about connecting on a deep, soulful level.
If you recognize these red flags you don’t love your partner, don’t think that means the relationship has gone to waste.
We have to encounter all different kinds of people as we go through life, and each one of them teaches us important lessons about who we are and what we want. If this relationship wasn’t for you long term, that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t meaningful.
But if you know, deep down, that you are dating someone you won’t ever love deeply, it’s important to check in with yourself about your motivations for staying in the relationship. Are you afraid of what it would mean to be single or “alone”? Are you undervaluing yourself and what you have to bring to a relationship, thereby cutting yourself off from a relationship you might actually want?
If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then ask yourself what this person is giving you that you aren’t willing to provide yourself. You might find that you had everything within you all along.
Here are the signs that you are dating someone you won’t ever love deeply, and it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
1. You aren’t speaking the same language
Communication is the cornerstone of any serious relationship. If the two of you aren’t on the same page about what you want moving forward — or if you haven’t even broached it at all — than both of you might have some avoidance about addressing where you are actually going.
Or, both of you might be doing a lot of talking that doesn’t actually get to what you both want. You might struggle to feel heard in the relationship, or you might be unable to hear your partner out when they want to talk about “where this is headed.” Serious conversations shouldn’t daunt you in a deeply loving relationship.
“The most important part of a relationship is communication,” said Three Day Rule’s date coach and matchmaker, Nora Dekeyser, to Elite Daily. “If you do not have this, you are not respecting each other and clearly don’t feel for the other as you do for yourself.”
2. You fantasize about breaking up with them
Every relationship has some ups and downs now and again, but if every down makes you fantasize about ending things once and for all, then that’s a major sign that you aren’t fully invested in the relationship. You’re imagining a way out for yourself because, subconsciously, you know that things would be better off for both of you if you called it quits.
According to relationship expert and bestselling author Susan Winter, frequently imagining leaving your partner is an indication that there is a “palpable emptiness in the relationship.”
There’s no reason to hang on to a relationship that isn’t feeding and nurturing you in the way that you need, either for you or for your partner. Both of you deserve to find people who can support you in the ways you want to be supported. Don’t put off finding what you really want in favor of complacency or comfort. Bitterness will soon follow.
3. You feel alone in the relationship
I’m often baffled by stories of couples who are treating each other worse than their friends would treat them — and tolerating it. What is a relationship if not a deep, loving friendship between two souls?
“Love eventually turns into a true partnership between best friends that are also attracted to each other,” Dekeyser explained to Elite Daily. If your love has not transformed into such a stable relationship, then it might not have had a stable source from the start.
You don’t owe it to anyone to stay in a relationship where you aren’t happy — least of all to yourself. If these red flags ring true for your relationship, really take some time to ask yourself what you’re getting out of this partnership and whether it’s worth staying in it any longer or if there’s truly hope that things will work out.